Meg's Tunes & Training Blog

Thankfully, she was in good spirits, despite not necessarily getting the best news.  Apparently, it will take about 10 days before the pathology results come back.  I am not sure how I would be handling any of this.

Since she shared the news of her cancer, I can’t tell you how many times I have checked my breasts.  I think I know them better now than I ever have.  This is probably a good thing, but I feel like it only touches on how complicated women’s relationships with their bodies can be, how complicated my own is.

I am not sure I have ever been entirely comfortable with my body, not since I was a child.  When I was between the ages of about 3 and 6, I used to run around topless during the summers.  I had absolutely no shame or inhibitions.  My mom even tells me that she would take me to the pool when I was little and when I would get out I would strip down naked because my swimsuit “was wet.” Makes perfect sense, right?  And then I would run around that way.  Yup. No shame. And what a great thing!!

I also remember sitting topless next to my older cousin Lorree on a hot summer day and asking her why she didn’t just take her shirt off.  I can’t remember exactly how she said it, but it was something to the effect of there coming a time when girls just couldn’t run around topless. (This memory always makes me think of Dar Williams’ song “When I was a Boy.”)

Now I am not suggesting that we all start running around naked, though I can think of a few people who would advocate it. :)  I just wonder when exactly it was I lost that feeling of freedom with my own body.  It is not that I haven’t walked around naked in my own room, but I gotta say, when I walk in front of a mirror, I am not so sure I want to look.  Funny too, because in the last two years I have lost close to 50 lbs.  And in some ways am more comfortable than I have ever been with my body, but I still look at it and see every flaw, every tiny little thing I would like to change.

Even at a point when I was slimmer than I am now (and some thought I was too thin), I still could only see what I perceived as imperfections.  Which leads me to believe it is not so much about being fat or skinny, as it is that girls are taught from a young age that they are not fine the way they are.  I remember when my breasts started to develop that I just wanted them to be bigger, and then when they were bigger, I wanted them to be smaller.  Ever since I can remember I have always wanted to lose at least five pounds, have a perfectly flat stomach, have longer eyelashes, thicker hair…you get the picture.  I am really good at looking in the mirror and seeing something I want to change.

And I know I am not alone in this.  I can’t count how many times I have had friends, who look wonderful to me, describe to me how their bodies are so imperfect.  The truth is that none of our bodies meet whatever ideal is being put forth by the media. Not even the models and actresses really look like what we see on film and magazines. So basically, most women are comparing themselves to ideal body types that don’t really exist! Not that any of this is new information, but it is easy to forget.

So, my friend no longer has her breasts.  I wish I could say that I can get my head around what that means for her. I know that she plans to undergo reconstruction, but all of this takes time and she has to go through chemo and radiation first. Her own body has betrayed her will never be the same, her life will never be the same, and there is not a damn thing I can do about that.  And my heart aches when I think about it.

But I know that she loves her life, her husband and her sweet little daughter. We were talking tonight about needing treating ourselves with love, how we all need to be kinder to ourselves. So, I guess for my part, when I look in the mirror I am going to try a little kindness, and respect the health that I have. I think that learning to love myself and my body is an ongoing process, but I am working on it.

And tomorrow morning I will run.